Emotional First Aid After A Break-up

Cry if you need to!

Don’t feel any pressure to produce the right response to a break-up. There isn’t one. It’s OK to cry, scream, panic, mourn, mope, or display any emotion while you adjust to the change. The break-up of a relationship is the nearest thing to bereavement and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about taking time to cope.

Remember the positives

Try not to concentrate on what you’ve lost by the relationship, but what you gained from being it. Think about what you’ve learned about yourself, and remember all the happiness that you might never have had without the relationship. And instead of thinking of yourself as being rejected, remember that you were attractive enough to get your ex-partner’s interest in the first place.

Always something there to remind me

While you’re adjusting to the loss, take away all reminders of your ex-partner. At first this will be seemingly impossible as there are countless little things that will remind you of shared experiences. But take letters, photos and souvenirs away from where you will see them every day. You don’t need to destroy them (unless you want to), but put them in a box out of sight.

No more niggling

Write a list of everything that annoyed you about your partner, no matter how small. When your relationship breaks-up, you feel like you’ve lost the perfect person. But it can actually be fun to realise that you’ll no longer have to put up with the way they were always running late, broke wind under the duvet, or left your CDs out of the case. Concentrating on the small things will help you smile a little without breeding resentment or bitterness.

Dust off the address book

As soon as you feel ready, get back in your social circle. Become reacquainted with everyone from your best friend to your most distant relative. You may feel you’ve lost the most important person in your life, but you’re far less alone than you realise. The more of your friends you can talk to – even if it’s just a brief hello – the more valued you will feel.

Put it into words

It can be very difficult to articulate how you are feeling, particularly when you can’t get the words out without choking up. But it’s important to understand how you feel so that you can deal with your emotions. A good way to do it is to write a letter to your ex-partner explaining how they’ve made you feel, what you think of them, and your sense of loss… but don’t send this letter. Instead, read it to yourself each day until you feel as if those initial feelings have started to fade – then burn the letter.

Get physical

It’s amazing how much more physical activity you can achieve during such a stressful time. It’s as if the emotional turmoil produces nervous energy which you can then burn off. If you go swimming or jogging, you can relieve stress and, ironically, it’s much easier to think calmly and rationally in the middle of intense activity. And best of all, exercise can produce endorphins in your body, which actually make you feel happier!

Out and about

Being happy isn’t easy, but you can start by faking it. Distract yourself by trying a new activity or hobby. This will force you to be brave and outgoing, which are very good emotions for combating grief. You’ll also meet new people and be able to interact socially without necessarily having any pressure to say the right thing or give the right impression.

Get it sorted

Post-break-up is the perfect time to finally get around to those odd-jobs you’ve been putting off. Whether it’s clearing out the kitchen cupboards, cleaning the car, or cleaning up the mixed-up file information on your iPod, you’ll find these small tasks give you a great sense of achievement for comparatively little work. And more importantly, they’ll let you feel an element of control over your life.

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Recommended Reading

Recovering from a Broken Heart: A Companion Guide for the Journey from Suffering to Joyful Awareness

Broken Heart: Medical Consequences of Loneliness

Loveshock: How to Survive a Broken Heart (Positive paperbacks)

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